


The Perfect Girl

by TwoRefined



Series: Chan Drabbles [1]
Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Crack, Gen, Inappropriate Humor, Sexual Humor, Short One Shot, Silly, Team Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 19:18:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16540577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwoRefined/pseuds/TwoRefined
Summary: BLU Team spends their morning discussing what they like most in a woman. Not everyone's answers are appreciated.





	The Perfect Girl

It was a sleepy, uneventful morning in the BLU fort. Pyro was in the kitchen, cooking breakfast every morning as custom, humming some muffled melody to itself. Half of the crew was trickling into the dining room for Soldier’s mandatory breakfast report time of 0800 sharp. He didn’t mind that all of them were in their pajamas – at least not for the moment. As long as they were in ship-shape half an hour later.   
  
Among the stragglers were Demoman (who was getting over a head splitting hangover), Heavy, Engineer, and Medic (who surprisingly rarely woke up earlier than he needed to). All were dressed in the standard sleep-wear – black sweatpants and a loose, white tee-shirt with their team logo on the front and their symbols on the sleeves.   
  
Soldier and Scout woke up early to take morning jogs while it was still cool out, which was that only reason Scout would ever wake up before noon. Sniper was always fully dressed – aviators and all – before breakfast because it apparently was one of his “standards” as a professional. He was sitting at one end of the table with only his standard mug of decaf and a newspaper. And as for Spy and Pyro… Well, no one ever saw them underdressed.   
  
As Pyro went around the table, handing out breakfast to everyone who’d been late arriving, Spy couldn’t help but glance around the table. There was rarely any conversation during meals – the team would eat as if it were their duty, and leave as soon as they were done. The in-team relationships of BLU were, at best, passable, at worst, on the verge of falling to pieces.   
  
After a moment’s hesitation, Spy cleared his throat, and broke the silence with a, “I know I’ll probably regret asking zis later, but I’ve been wondering about all of your various tastes in women.” He shrugged, sipping on some tea. “Call it morbid curiosity.”   
  
There was a pause as everyone glanced around the table, wondering what had brought on the unwarranted question.   
  
It was Heavy who answered first. The big man broke out in a wide grin and answered, “Red hair is very attractive. Also, I like  _big_  vimen. Much chest and buttocks.”   
  
For some reason, the atmosphere around the table relaxed, and many of the men smiled in return. “A chubby chaser, huh big guy?” Scout piped up, mouth full with pancakes and eggs.   
“Da.”   
“Well you know what?” Scout chugged down a glass of milk, and grinned back at him. “I’ve always wanted t’bang a black chick, m’self. Wha’d’ya say, Demo – got any tips for me?”   
  
Demoman choked on the coffee he was nursing to ease his throbbing hangover, and snarled across the table at the cheeky little vermin. Scout had his mouth stuffed again, and was looking away innocently as he chewed, knowing full well the awkward situation he’d put Demo in, and knowing that Demo KNEW he knew, and not caring one bit. The conspicuous snickers he’d earned from Soldier and Heavy only served to convince him that his passive taunt towards Demo would be well worth the busted lip later.   
  
Demoman was looking as if he’d jump across the table and strangle Scout at any moment, so Engineer quickly broke in to defuse any violence at the table. “I don’t want nothin’ special from a lady – just someone I could talk to n’ grow old with n’ raise a family with—”   
  
“OH, SCREW THAT LOVEY-DOVEY BULLSHIT!” Soldier interrupted suddenly, making the entire table jump out of their skin. “HEY, SALLY – I THINK YOU FORGOT YOUR TAMPONS AT HOME IN YOUR FLOWERY LADY PURSE FOR LADIES AND WOMEN.”   
  
He beat his chest defiantly with a roar. “I AM A  _MAN!_  A  _MAN_ , DAMN IT!!! ALL I WANT IS A WOMAN WITH BIG BREASTS AND A CAR FULL OF MONEY AND RIBS THAT ADMIRES ME AND TELLS ME HOW SPECTACULAR I ALREADY KNOW I AM!!!”   
“Yo, I agree with Solly,” Scout piped up.   
  
Pyro, hearing laughter and voices, peered into the dining room. “Mmmnh?”   
“Hey, Pyro! Hey, Pyro!” Scout yelled, motioning him over. “What kinda girl are YOU into, huh?”   
Pyro perked up, and clapped its hands together, the rubber making soft squelching noises. “Mmhhrmhrrrrm! Mmnnmdnffr rmmhmmmn hmmmhrrnnfrnndr! Mmmnnfdhhh mhhhhmmmmdrhhh!” It giggled gleefully at its own joke.   
  
Scout just stared blankly. “… Jeez, man. I thought you were classier than that.”   
Pyro shrugged.   
  
“AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, SPY?” Soldier demanded in his loud, grating voice. “AS THE MAN WHO INITIATED THIS CONVERSATION, YOU SHOULD DAMN WELL CONTRIBUTE TO IT. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A WOMAN???”   
  
Spy just waved his hand dismissively, a lit cigarette grasped loosely between his fingertips. “Oh, now, you can’t expect a gentleman like myself to kiss and tell, can you?”   
“Pffftb,” Scout scoffed. “You know what they call that in MY language, Frenchie? Le bull-SHIT. You guys remember that one time he got some from that Brazilian chick?”   
  
“Aye, I do!” Demoman snickered, pouring some scrumpy into his cup. “Spoi couldn’t shu’ up aboot it for more’n’a fortnight!”   
Spy coughed, face going bright red, and loosened his tie. “Yes, well…” he muttered, trying to save face in the midst of his teammates’ laughter.   
  
Even the usually-stoic Sniper cracked a smile. Without looking over his newspaper, he contributed with a, “I’d love t’have a Sheila that would rub her hair all over me so that I’d have her scent. And then, every night before I’d go to bed, she would rub my stomach and call me a special snowflake, and would suck on my feet and clean the dirt between my toes with her tongue.”   
  
He expected a few chuckles, and maybe a confirmation of some sort. When it didn’t come, he blinked, and peered up over his glasses, lowering the paper so that he could see. His entire team was staring at him, mouths agape and eyes the sizes of saucers. Their faces varied from the crimson red of Medic’s cheeks to the pale white of Heavy’s face, to even the alarming off-yellow Engineer was sporting. Spy’s cigarette plopped into his cup of tea.   
  
Suddenly, Sniper was on his feet so fast, his chair fell out from behind him. “WOT TH’BLOODY ‘ELL’S YOUR PROBLEMS, EH?!” His left hand pounded furiously on the table while his right hovered dangerously over his kukri.   
  
And suddenly the entire table was empty, save for the chairs tipped over haphazardly and the abandoned plates of half-eaten food. And one extra member in particular.   
  
Medic had a wide, unsettling grin plastered all over his flushed face. He sidled up to Sniper coyly, eyes glinting with something downright terrifying. He thumbed the sharp edge of the stunned bushman’s knife, looking directly up into his eyes. “Herr… Sniper…” he purred, seeming as if he had to catch his breath for some reason. “Das ist… WUNDERBAR.”   
“Uh…” Sniper took a cautious step back. “… Yeah. Okay, Doc, I’m leavin’ – see ya later.”   
  
Medic spent the entire battle that day pocketing Sniper. No one quite had the guts to say anything. Not even Soldier.   
  
_DAS ENDE_

**Author's Note:**

> Just a funny, silly thing that I wrote that I found while trying to upload chapters for my magnum opus Breaking Point. Whether or not it exists in the same continuity is up to the reader, I guess, but it wasn't made with that in mind. Just something silly and funny to lighten the mood.


End file.
